


Eigengrau

by Starthewolf1106



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Death, Deathfic, Drabble, Gen, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mourning, Suicide, Themes of suicide, sadfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26570662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starthewolf1106/pseuds/Starthewolf1106
Summary: Just a short drabble I came up with a while ago.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano - Relationship, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, CT-7567 | Rex & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Sheev Palpatine & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 11
Kudos: 56





	1. This Farewell Is Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Eigengrau - The shade of gray you see when you close your eyes

Tucked away in a dark, hidden, cobweb-inhabited corner, Anakin kept a collection of news holos, seemingly just to torture himself. Closing his eyes, he ghosted his metallic fingers over the cases, the silence of the room deafening, the shadows claiming every surface they could claw their way onto. 

_ From the beginning, again. _

He selected the first one, playing the short clip.

_ ”In the past three months, 37 have been found dead in a Tusken raid, more injured and some missing-” _

He stopped it there. Nothing else of value was on it, anyway. Images of sand and blood and  _ her _ smile twirled through his skull like leaves in a breeze, except the leaves were trees and they were caught in a tornado.

He played the next one.

_ ”Breaking! War between the Republic and the self-claimed CIS has been announced after a gruesome battle between the two forces at Geonosis which claimed the lives of dozens of Jedi.” _

Phantom feelings of burning agony coursed through his right arm, it's metallic fingers twitching involuntarily. He skipped onto the next one as quickly as he could.

_ ”Beloved war-hero Obi-Wan Kenobi has been pronounced dead, much to the dismay of the Republic. The Jedi’s killer has not been released to the public, however many claim it was in a skirmish with a bounty hunter. More to be announced as the case progresses-” _

Betrayal, an old wound, festered once more in his chest. They lied to him. All of them. The Council, Obi-Wan, everyone. 

He knew the Council never trusted him; he knew to expect nothing but lies and trickery from them. But Obi-Wan had raised him, had trained him, had  _ loved _ him! At least, Anakin had thought he had. How could one call this love? He had used Anakin, just as the Council had done so many times before. 

He lingered a bit longer, no longer listening to the recording, instead dwelling on the sting of hurt that came with every betrayal.

_ The next one, quickly. _

” _ Following the bombing of the Jedi Temple, suspect Ahsoka Tano has been proved innocent as the actual perpetrator has been apprehended. Her current locations are currently unknown as-” _

Anakin placed his head in his hands, allowing a few tears to spill from his eyes. Ahsoka was gone. She had left, and she wasn't coming back. He had failed her. Obi-Wan had failed her. The  _ Jedi _ had failed her. How could they? They had promised to protect her, had claimed that she was one of them and then they had cast her out, thrown her to the wolves with no actual evidence.

His anger threatened to drown him. Before he dove too deep into the pools of fury and hatred in his chest, he played the next recording. 

” _ The Galaxy Is in shock as the many crimes of the once-Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine come to light, most recent of which are the brutal murders of respected Senator Padme Amidala and Clone Commander Rex, who was a decorated war hero despite being a clone. Some of the many crimes of the Chancellor-” _

He dared not open his eyes. If he did, he would see their faces. He would see Padme, see her beauty, her kindness, her love for all things. He would see Rex’s determination, his loyalty, his teasing eyes full of respect. 

If he did, he would see Palpatine, his once-trusted friend and ally, his mentor who had been grooming him for the last ten years. Everything he had ever been told was a lie, every lesson he had been taught for nothing. He couldn't trust anyone, not anymore. How could he, when the person he trusted most was just using him, just like everyone else? Everyone except for Padme, Rex, and Ahsoka. But they were  _ gone _ , either dead or missing and he  _ would never see them again.  _ He would  _ never _ hold Padme in his arms and dream of a future where the war was over and they could raise their children in peace on Naboo. He would never stay up late with Rex, drinking and discussing nonsensical things that he wishes so  _ badly _ that he could remember, so that he could joke about it and maybe,  _ just maybe, _ Rex would joke back, and they would laugh together like they used to. He would never smile at Ahsoka proudly as he rested his hand between her montrals, careful not to hurt her, as he debated telling her how much he loved her before deciding not to, too afraid and now he’d  _ never _ get the chance. 

It was over. All of it. The war was over, but so was everything else. His mother was dead, along with Padme and Rex. Ahsoka didn't need him anymore. Obi-Wan probably never needed him. He certainly never  _ wanted _ him. In time, everyone else would move on. He would be forgotten. Maybe that was for the best. He was a failure in every sense of the word. He hadn't been able to save any of them, had been blind to the manipulations of a man he had thought of as father, had never been able to gain the trust or respect or even the  _ acceptance  _ of the Council. There was nothing for him. He had his chance at life, had his shot at freedom, and he had blown it.

Turning off the holo, he tucked it away neatly, placing the box back into its dusty corner. 

He lifted up his lightsaber, the weapon that Obi-Wan had told him was his life. He was  _ wrong _ . Padme, Ahsoka, and Rex were his life. His mother was his life.  _ Obi-Wan _ had been his life. Now he had nothing, and it was all his fault.

_ It was ironic, really _ , he thought as he raised the weapon so that the saber side pointed straight at his heart.

_ It was ironic that the weapon I once thought was my life will be responsible for claiming it. _

Taking a deep breath, Anakin opened his eyes. Through the neglected, withering bond he still shared with Obi-Wan, he whispered an apology before severing it. Then, with a wet laugh, tears streaming down his face, feeling freer than he had ever felt, he pressed the trigger.

  
  



	2. Tomorrow Holds Such Better Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for Suicide. Stay safe, friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Adam's Song by Blink182

I never thought I'd die alone

I laughed the loudest who'd have known?

I traced the cord back to the wall

No wonder it was never plugged in at all

* * *

~~_ To whomever it may concern, _ ~~

_ Ahsoka,  _

_ I never thought it would end like this. I hoped that it would be more exciting. I’d always imagined a glory-filled battle or a heroic sacrifice like we’d see in all those corny holo dramas. I thought I might die of old age or an untreatable battle wound earned while saving others. I always pictured myself surrounded by loved ones, smiling up at them and telling them that it would all be okay.  _

_ I guess that was just another one of my stupid fantasies.  _

_ Instead, I’m writing this note. If you’re reading this, it means I’ve succeeded. Please don’t mourn for long. There was nothing you or anyone else could’ve done. I made my choice, and I’m sticking with it. This is NOT your fault, don’t let yourself think otherwise. And if Obi-Wan starts to think that way, throttle some sense into him for me. _

_ I know you don’t need me anymore, and I know Obi-Wan and I’s relationship is… complicated. The point is, both of you would be better off without me. I bring death and suffering to those I love, and I can’t watch the same happen to you two more than it already has. This is for the greater good, I promise.  _

_ Of course, I made this decision out of selfish reasons. I can’t deal with the pain of not seeing the ones we’ve lost. I don’t know if you knew, but Padmé and I were married. She was expecting my child. She was my everything, my soulmate. She was the one who held me after all of those difficult campaigns and comforted me through all my nightmares. We met when I was only nine years old, and reunited when I was 19. We’ve been separable only by time and circumstance.  _

_ And now she’s gone. _

_ And Rex, I loved Rex like a brother. He was my vod in every sense of the word. To not have him by my side is to lose my arm all over again, but this time it’s a thousand times worse because Rex was my light in the dark of war. He was my anchor, my rock in a stormy sea. Now that he and Padmé are gone, I am nothing. I am a piece of scrap, drifting without purpose. _

_ Sorry to get all poetic there, but I’ve been holding that in for a while. I never got to tell Rex how I felt, and I never got to tell Padmé how I felt enough.  _

_ Padmé believed in heaven. She believed that all who did their best to be good people were granted access, and those who didn’t were reincarnated to try again. I hope I get to see her and Rex there, if I’m allowed in. I’ve tried my best to be a good person, but I’ve done things. Bad things. _

_ Rex believed in reincarnation. He always said he wanted to be reincarnated as a tooka because he wanted to spend all his days lazing around and terrorizing rats. I always thought that was funny, considering how lazing around was never Rex’s style. _

_ Me, well, you might not know this, but I am a religious man. Only Padmé really knew, and we worshipped our gods together. The Goddess Mother will welcome me back with open arms, and I can’t wait to greet her.  _

* * *

I took my time, I hurried up

The choice was mine I didn't think enough

I'm too depressed to go on

You'll be sorry when I'm gone

* * *

_ Ahsoka, _

_ I ran out of space on the other note. I have so many things I want to say and so little space. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to tell you all of this in person, but truth be told, I am a coward who very rarely makes the right choice. _

_ One of my biggest regrets is my decision to join the Jedi Order. I was nine years old when Qui-Gon found me. I was given the choice to join him and the Jedi or stay behind on Tatooine. My options were to go with the nice man with a sweet laser sword and a promise of safety or be left behind on a dustball hell-planet and stay in slavery. My choice was obvious, and to this day, I regret leaving my mother and my friends behind. I promised to return and free them, but my promises fell through. I did come back, eventually, but by then, I was too late. I buried my mother with my own hands. And Kitster, my best friend? I never saw or heard from him again, or anyone else, for that matter. _

_ As for not leaving when I had the chance, well, there were a few reasons. For one, I had gone from an Outer Rim slave child to a Jedi Padawan in a matter of days. I had no experience with the outside world. I would never survive on my own out there, and at that time, I was alone. The Order wouldn’t help me if I left, and Obi-Wan wouldn’t be permitted to. Where would I go? Back to Tatooine, where I didn’t know if my mother was still there and the probability of me being re-enslaved was high? To Naboo, where either Palpatine or Padmé would be burdened by me? No, I had nowhere to go. _

_ For another, if I left, I knew Obi-Wan would have left, too. Neither of us had any experience, and I couldn’t bear to see him throw away his life’s work for a promise nobody knew if he could keep.  _

_ Finally, I just kinda wanted to prove Mace and the rest of the Jedi wrong. _

_ The other Jedi never really liked me. I was always an outcast, even from day one. I came to the temple late, then I outmatched most of the other Padawans and initiates. These guys spent their entire lives training, and some outsider from the Outer Rim waltzes in and usurps them. I can understand their frustration in that aspect.  _

_ However, the adults didn’t like me, either. I was always too bold, too reckless, too passionate. I was everything a Jedi shouldn’t be. I wore my emotions on my sleeve and protested against things I didn’t believe in. If I saw something that needed to be fixed, I’d jump right in. I’d fight for things that needed fighting for, and I thought that a lot of things needed to be fought for.  _

_ The Order never trusted me. I fought tooth and nail for them, lost my arm for them, fought their war for them, and killed for them. And yet, I never even gained their acceptance. I was never really one of them. I was simply an outsider looking in, and that hurts in a way I hope you’ll never be able to understand.  _

_ Continued... _

* * *

I never conquered, rarely came

Sixteen just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive

We couldn't wait to get outside

* * *

_...That doesn’t mean that there weren’t good times, however. It just means that the good times are harder to find. I remember when Padmé and I first reunited. We went to Naboo, to her family’s lake house. We swam in the lake, chased each other through a field of flowers, and we laughed together. There was nothing that could bring us down in that moment, or so it felt like.  _

_ We were wrong. _

_ A day or two later, everything went to shit. I lost my mother and my arm, the war started, and I was forced to move on and fight. Except, I couldn’t just forget my mother’s death. It haunts me, Ahsoka, even now. I was too late, too slow, too weak. I promised I’d return for her, and I failed. I hate myself for that. I hate myself more than I could ever hate Dooku or Palpatine or the damned bastards that killed her.  _

_ I tried to do better when it came to you, but even then, I was unable to protect you. I’m sorry.  _

_ I was ecstatic when I found out I was going to be a father. I was happier than I’d ever been, even happier than that day on Naboo. The war seemed close to an end, and then I could leave the Order, and we’d move to Naboo to start our family. I was so sure that we could finally have our happy ending, that winter was over and that spring was about to start. How could I be so foolish?  _

_ It reminds me of something my mother told me, long ago. She said that ‘all candles burn out, and all fruit eventually rots’. I didn’t understand her back then. Up until a few weeks ago, I still didn’t. Surely, if the candle burned out then you could just get another candle? And if all fruit rots, then you must eat the fruit before it rots. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that nothing ever stays the same, and that all good things go. That’s what makes them good. If they were to forever stay, then they would just become things, and ‘good’ would lose all meaning. _

_ Ahsoka, one day I hope you find someone who makes you feel like Padme made me feel. I hope they make you feel invincible, like you’re the king/queen of the world, and yet looking at them is like looking at a god. I hope that one day, you’ll understand, and I hope that you’ll both be able to feel that until the day you die. And I hope that when that time comes, you’ll go together, so that neither of you may feel the pain of living without the other. Ahsoka, make sure you live. Don’t be afraid to feel, in fact, be afraid. It’s okay. It’s what makes us sentient. You’re allowed to feel sad and lonely and angry, you’re allowed to feel happiness and love. You don’t have to worry about what the Order would think or what I would feel, because you are your own person, and no matter what you do I will always love you for who you are. You’re my little sister, Ahsoka, and leaving you behind is my biggest regret.  _

_ I’m sorry, _

_ -SkyGuy _

* * *

The world was wide, too late to try

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait till I got home

To pass the time in my room alone

* * *

_ Men, _

_ This is my final message to you. I’m writing this to say thank you, for everything. You’ve fought and killed and died for us, and you have my deepest respect. You’re more than just soldiers, you’re my friends and family. Each and every one of you meant everything to me. I’m sorry it ended this way. _

_ You are more than numbers, and don’t you ever forget that. All of you are worth something, all of you are loved. You have names and personalities, and don’t you let anyone ever tell you otherwise.  _

_ I’m leaving you under Obi-Wan’s care. He will make sure that you are taken care of and that you are never mistreated. I know this must hurt, and it pains me to be the cause of your pain, but it’s for the best.  _

_ Jesse, take care of them. You’ve always been loyal, and I will miss you dearly. Kix, keep bothering anyone who doesn’t listen until they seek medical help. I’ve always appreciated your persistence. Everyone else, keep marching on. The battle is over, you’ve won. Go out there and live. Start a family, explore, do whatever you want to do that makes you happy. You’re free. _

_ The war is over, and so am I. Don’t linger on that, instead, linger in the moment. Live. _

_ It’s been an honor, _

_ General Skywalker _

* * *

I never thought I'd die alone

Another six months I'll be unknown

Give all my things to all my friends

You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off, board it up

Remember the time that I spilled the cup

Of apple juice in the hall

Please tell mom this is not her fault

* * *

_ Obi-Wan, _

_ It’s finally over. The war is won, the Jedi are victorious. I’m sorry I won’t be there to celebrate with you, but know that I do not regret my decision.  _

_ This isn’t your fault, Obi-Wan. There’s nothing you could have done. My mind is made, and nothing can stop me.  _

_ I know I’ve always been a disappointment. I was everything a Jedi shouldn’t be. I tried my best, I really did, but my best was never enough.  _

_ I leave everything to you. I know I’m not supposed to have anything, but honestly, who cares at this point? Throw it out or keep it, I don’t care. Just please take care of the 501st for me. They’re great men, and they deserve so much more than what the universe gave them. And look out for Ahsoka, would you? I know she doesn’t need anyone to look after her anymore, but everyone needs someone to watch their back every now and then. _

_ I also have a confession to make, one you probably already knew. Padmé and I were married. We got married right after the war started. She was expecting my child, Obi-Wan. I was supposed to be a father. I was so happy when I found out. I couldn’t wait to start a family. But then, the incident happened, and now I’m alone.  _

_ I don’t want to be the Chosen One, Obi-Wan. I just want to be loved. But now my love is gone, and I will never see her again.  _

_ You’ll be happier without me. You’ll finally be able to choose your own Padawan without worrying about any promises or prophecies. You can be the Jedi Master you’ve always wanted to be, without worrying about my attachment to you. You can leave me behind and start anew, without any of the burdens I brought. I’m sorry you felt that you had to raise me just because of that promise to Qui-Gon, and I’m sorry I wasn’t a better Padawan. I wish I could go back and change that, but I can’t, and I’m sorry. _

_ Please know that I will finally be happy. I’ll see everyone on the other side. Padmé, Rex, my Mother, everyone is waiting for me. And I’ll be there, waiting for you when your time comes.  _

_ Farewell for the last time, _

_ -Anakin _

* * *

I never conquered, when you came

Sixteen just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive

We couldn't wait to get outside

* * *

Obi-Wan felt that something was wrong. The dread pooling in his gut set him on edge, and he couldn’t figure out why. Through the bond he still shared with his former Padawan, he felt a storm of emotion. Hatred, anger, sorrow, grief, and guilt flooded the other, as it had for the last few days. Obi-Wan tried to give the other space. He couldn’t imagine what Anakin must be feeling. Obi-Wan knew that Anakin and Palpatine had been close, and he knew that Anakin, Padmé, and Rex were more than just friends. Losing all of them in the same day surely hurt in a way Obi-Wan wasn’t sure he could fully understand, though he certainly knew of loss. 

The feelings intensified for just a moment, before calming. Obi-Wan frowned to himself.  _ That was new. _

Then, the bond opened fully, and Obi-Wan felt Anakin’s elation and a sense of freedom, unlike anything he’d ever experienced. Over what, he didn’t know. 

_ Obi-Wan, I love you, and I am so, so sorry… _ Anakin whispered over their bond before severing it, and Obi-Wan felt a spike of alarm. He stood from his seat, drawing the confused stares of the other council members. He opened his mouth to explain, but before he could, he felt the universe collapse in on itself.

The other Council members surely felt it too. How could they not? It was unbearable, as if a piece of him had just been torn out. He collapsed to his knees with a gasp. 

“Anakin,” he choked out, pushing himself back up. He rushed out of the room as fast as he could, a few other Jedi Masters chasing after him. He paid them no mind, and instead raced towards Anakin’s room. It took an eternity. Every heartbeat was a heartbeat too long, a second too late. He knew what he’d find when he got there, and yet he prayed to the Force or whatever else may be out there with all his might, desperately hoping to be wrong. He prayed to barge in, only to find Anakin sitting on the couch watching some corny holodrama, his eyes puffy from crying but at least he’d be alive.

That isn’t what he found. Instead, he shoved open the door, and saw Anakin laying there, lifeless. Obi-Wan stumbled forward, eyes wide and tears streaming down his face. He collapsed to his knees with a shuddering breath. He cradled the lifeless body of the child he helped to raise into a man, feeling as if someone had come and clawed out his heart. 

A strangled sob escaped him as he held the corpse close to him, refusing to let go even as the sound of the other Masters filled the room. Their voices sounded far away, yet loud, as if they were speeder alarms. 

How had he failed so badly?

How?

* * *

The world was wide, too late to try

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait till I got home

To pass the time in my room alone

* * *

Ahsoka felt as if the world had been paused and thrown into a lake. The colors were wrong. It was like the universe had been repainted in a new, horrid, mind-numbing shade.

She had felt the shift when it happened. She had cried and thrown up, then paced up and down the halls of her apartment as an anxious mess, not knowing what the sickly, painful feeling in her gut meant but knowing that something terrible and tragic had occurred.

Then, a few hours later, she found out.

She had gotten the news just an hour before. It came in the form of one Plo Koon, his head bowed, carrying a letter encased in a scarlet envelope signed with Anakin’s name. 

She hadn’t read the letters, not yet, and she doubted Obi-Wan had, either. 

Plo Koon had handed her the letters without a word. Nothing needed to be spoken. Ahsoka’s entire world had imploded as he solemnly laid his hand on her shoulder, the shattered shards of a universe that once made perfect sense now dipped in ice water until they froze, numbing her to the core. She had hugged him, ugly sobbing into his shoulder like a fucking mess, because that’s what she was. Then, after he left, she curled up on the couch and cried some more.

What else was she to do, when all that was left was the broken glass of the universe in the form of a scarlet-wrapped letter?

* * *

I never conquered, when you came

Tomorrow holds such better days

Days when I can still feel alive

When I can't wait to get outside

The world is wide, the time goes by

The tour is over, I've survived

I can't wait till I get home

To pass the time in my room alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its short, but I had pretty bad writer's block while making this and I couldn't really think of anything else :/


End file.
